For most of us, Christmas is about lights, carols and family. But for anyone who is grieving, the festive season can feel like salt in a wound. Every tradition becomes a reminder of who is missing.
American writer Joanne Huist Smith knows that feeling better than most. Her memoir, The 13th Gift, tells the true story of the Christmas that changed her family.
A Christmas without joy
Just before Christmas in 1999, Joanne’s husband Rick died suddenly in the night, leaving her with three children. The holidays she had always loved, from the floor-to-ceiling Christmas clean to decorating with the kids, suddenly felt impossible. She wanted to cancel Christmas altogether.
In one of the book’s most moving moments, she finds a note in Rick’s shirt pocket as she does the laundry. It is a Christmas shopping list in his neat handwriting, ending with the words “This Christmas is going to be special.” The grief that follows is raw and overwhelming.
Then the gifts began to arrive
Thirteen days before Christmas, small gifts started appearing on the family’s doorstep, each with a card echoing the carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and signed simply, “Your true friends”.
At first Joanne resisted. But as the gifts kept coming, the children began to smile again. They talked and laughed as they tried to work out who the mystery givers were. Slowly, those small tokens taught the family how to be a family again.
The real miracle
Joanne has said that the true miracle was not magic but kindness: the way a few small, anonymous acts brought a grieving family back to each other. It changed how she sees the holidays forever, as a time to look beyond her own world and reach out to others.
If you are grieving this Christmas
- Lower your expectations. It is OK to keep things simple or skip traditions that feel too painful.
- Create a new ritual. Light a candle, share a favourite story or cook a loved one’s signature dish.
- Let people help. Accept the meal, the visit or the invitation, even if you do not stay long.
- Look after your body. Sleep, gentle movement and fresh air help more than we expect.
- Reach out. Talk to your GP, or call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Griefline if the season feels too heavy.
If someone you know is grieving
Take a leaf out of Joanne’s story. A note, a meal, a small gift left on the doorstep: the smallest gestures can mean the world.
The 13th Gift by Joanne Huist Smith is available from good bookshops. For more support, explore our Mental Health and Emotional Wellbeing guide.
